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Archives for : Dennis Quaid

Jaws 3-D

July 27, 2010

This Movie Bites

In a little less than a month, Piranha 3D will be here.  If you haven’t seen the previews, you can likely guess what it’s all about based solely on the title: killer piranhas brutally consume idiotic people, and it all happens in the titillating third dimension.  As much as I’m knocking it, Piranha 3D has a great cast (including the long-absent Christopher Lloyd) and appears to have fully embraced its “B” movie status.  With any luck, it’ll be the sleeper popcorn flick of the summer.

This won’t be the first movie to try and capitalize on aquatic terror by way of schlocky 3D effects, though.  In 1983, Jaws 3-D hit theaters, and I can only imagine that people flocked to it hoping for an intense—and blood-soaked—follow-up to the inevitably inferior Jaws 2 (which, of course, had no shot at holding a candle to the movie that gave birth to summer blockbusters: Jaws).  Though I didn’t have the “benefit” of seeing this one in 3D, I think it’s safe to say that this is one of the worst, most blatantly exploitative sequels to come from a major studio in the history of the medium.

Let’s start with the story.  41FmJMl9cLL._SL500_AA300_In short, it’s a shoddy rehash of what takes place in Jaws.  A money-hungry businessman (a mayor in the original) puts the lives of hundreds of people in danger by choosing to ignore a contingency of experts who warn him that a 35-foot man-eating great white is trapped inside his theme park.  What follows, of course, is pandemonium as the monstrous fish maims and terrorizes a boatload of innocent tourists.

It seems director Joe Alves took a cue from Spielberg by deciding to try and build some tension by waiting a while to finally reveal the deadly, almost otherworldly mega killer.  But this unveiling surrenders any intensity it might otherwise have had by forcing us to endure stale dialogue and characters that are cardboard cutouts; ironically, the very thing audiences expect to find in just this sort of horror movie.  For some this is all well and good because the movie is billed as a 3D terror-fest—no one is expecting Shakespeare.  But come on—the squandering of the talent involved (namely Dennis Quaid, Lea Thompson, and Louis Gossett Jr.) is absolutely inexcusable, and it demonstrates two things: the horrendous nature of the script and the inability of Alves to elicit a single memorable performance out of any one of these actors who are now universally recognized as A-list stars.

Oh, and guess what theme park Bruce the Third is trapped in?  SeaWorld.

This is an example of product placement at its most errant.  I don’t know what SeaWorld hoped to accomplish through their involvement with Jaws 3-D; maybe they thought people would flock to Orlando because they wanted to get trapped in an underwater tunnel while a giant shark rammed its fragile glass tubing.  Fun!

If anything, all this movie does is flesh out (pun intended) a sense of incompetence on the part of the long-running deep-sea attraction.  For example, after catching the offspring of the killer-of-the-hour, park officials neglect the infant great white by displaying it in a shallow tank.  It dies, and people walk away to buy cotton candy, apparently completely unaffected by the ordeal.  What’s more, the movie also suggests that SeaWorld patrons are idiots, as they laugh and clap while Dennis Quaid frantically tries to prevent a group of pyramid skiers from becoming chum.

Then there are the 3D bits.  A severed arm floats ominously in front of the camera.  Later, when Bruce is demolished by a live grenade, parts of his dismembered body (including a piece of his jaw and what looks like a section of large intestine) remain static on the screen for a solid five seconds.  At one point Quaid fires a harpoon gun directly at the audience.

It’s all very revolutionary.

Not to beat a dead horse, but the non-3D effects are absolutely nauseating, too.  This movie was released 8 years after Jaws, and its star—the shark, of course—looks like something a film school student stitched together in the wee hours of the morning with an Etch-A-Sketch and construction paper.  It’s light years worse than what Spielberg and company crafted almost a decade prior.  At one point it dumbly hurtles toward the screen, not bothering to, you know, swim, and eventually the great prop slowly opens its—wait for it!—jaws only to shatter a glass barrier no one in the audience knew existed.

The shards of glass, of course, fly toward us in the most gimmicky manner imaginable.

I’ll paint one more picture for you.  At the conclusion, a pair of horribly rendered, superimposed dolphins perform celebratory somersaults as Dennis Quaid and his love interest pump their pruned fists in the air.

Its awfulness did draw one or two unintentional hardy-har-hars from me, so I guess I’ll save it the shame of walking away with the dreaded goose egg.  Be thankful for your half-star, Joe Alves.

Be very thankful.

redstarhalfout of 5

–Chris Flowers

Check out a trailer for Jaws 3-D:

Legion

May 20, 2010

Torturous

Like Constantine or any number of pseudo religious-minded films before it, Legion tries really hard to establish itself as a serious foray into the activities of the heavenly—and, perhaps, not so heavenly—realms.  I feel bad mentioning this and the 2005 Keanu Reeves offering in the same sentence, because Constantine was at least watchable (and, at times, even enjoyable).

Legion is just bad.  Actually, it’s really bad.

Let me try—the key word, of course, being “try”—to sum up the plot for you.  An angel named Michael (Paul Bettany) is ordered by God to murder the child of a middle-of-nowhere diner waitress.  This baby, who has yet to be born, will be the salvation of the world.  You see, heaven has grown tired of Earth’s “bullsh*t” (I’m quoting the movie directly) and has decided to exterminate mankind.  It’s all supposed to be on par with the flood of yore.  According to Michael, God will accomplish this by sending a legion of angels to wipe the planet clean.  0004339634350_500X500Michael, however, isn’t down with this.  He thinks Man can still be saved—apparently the work on the cross has no bearing on what unfolds in this particular situation, although we’re supposed to accept that the remainder of Bible history still applies—so he “defects,” steals an L.A. police officer’s cruiser (filling it with all kinds of firearms), and hightails it to the Mojave Desert to play “Angel Knows Best.”

The stupidity of what’s taking place here is self-evident, but allow me to elaborate on a few technicalities that I found particularly moronic.  The angels that are supposed to destroy humanity discover a handful of measly mortals protecting the mother-pregnant-with-the-new-messiah in a remote gas station/diner and, for some inexplicable reason, are unable to penetrate its defenses of sheet metal and drywall.  I suppose one could argue that their task was to simply kill all humans—not to focus specifically on the “modern Mary.”  If that’s the case, then why did they specifically identify the child as the one who could lead humans out of darkness?  Why did one of these “angels”—who inhabit the bodies of ordinary people—eventually decide that he could, in fact, come after the reluctant waitress with a kitchen knife while all of his comrades simply stood by and watched?

The answer is scarier than any spindly-armed ice cream man/demon (no, wait, he’s an angel—oops!) that might come galloping toward us with ill intentions: bad writing.  Even after our mysterious hero provides multiple “explanations” as to why the world is ending, the illogical nature of the whole thing persists.  Dennis Quaid seems confused too, as he repeatedly barks, “All right, mister!  You better start talking!”  The hilariously awful final minutes scream “Ummm… I’m not sure what should happen… wait, I’ve got it!  It’ll involve a speeding station wagon, an angel getting a noogie by a moody teenager, and magic tattoos.”

You know what all this means, right?  Yep.  We’ve got a goose egg on our hands!

goose egg out of 5

–Chris Flowers

Pandorum

February 7, 2010

Paranoia in Space…and Cannibal/Humanoid/Vampire Things

Wouldn’t you know it: as soon as I put together a list of my Top 10 Favorite Spaceships, Pandorum arrives and presents us with the Elysium (one of the absolute coolest deep space vessels to come along in quite a while).  The purpose of this intergalactic behemoth is to transport several thousand people to a newly discovered planet called Tanis, which, of course, is strikingly similar to Earth.  In a very literal sense, the ship’s goal is to act as a futuristic version of Noah’s Ark.  Earth is suffering from severe overpopulation, and Tanis is seen as a chance to create a settlement that will eventually serve as a permanent replacement for our decaying planet.

Such long journeys—in this case, 123 years—require the assistance of hypersleep, a staple of the sci-fi genre.pandorum-dennis-quaid-blu-ray-cover-art When two members of the flight crew—Bower (Foster) and Payton (Quaid)—wake up with no recollection of their mission or (initially) who they are, they instinctively set out to answer these questions.  Inexplicably, they discover the presence of a strange humanoid species aboard the ship: these things are highly aggressive, and are completely reminiscent of the creatures from the claustrophobic thriller The Descent.

Director Christian Alvart seems to have taken more than one cue from the previously mentioned modern horror classic by creating a terrifying atmosphere on the Elysium that depends entirely on the “tight space” and the ever-present sense that something horrible is always right around the corner.  He doesn’t commit the sin of making things too dark, however (at least in terms of lighting), which gives viewers a chance to really soak up the intricate detail that was injected into creating this awe-inspiring ship to end all ships.  For the sake of comparison, let’s say it’s one part Derelict, one part Event Horizon, and one part something entirely new.  Having been constructed in the mid-to-late 22nd century, it is, of course, unlike anything we’d see NASA churn out today; however, the Elysium does have that strictly utilitarian sense that one would imagine a real space vessel would embody. So, on both counts, it works extraordinarily well, and I think it’s the single most important thing that lifts this movie above any number of other ho-hum entries.  There are also a number of twists that occur in the final act that are earth-shattering, but not in an overly-dramatic sense.  On the whole, we’ve got a well-written story set in what is easily one of the best sci-fi atmospheres to come along in quite a while.

So it’s a winner, right?

Well, there are a few things about Pandorum that are a bit disappointing, and they do hold back the quality of the final product. One of these is the presence of the aforementioned hyper-violent humanoids.  I’m not going to give away their origin, but trust me when I say that it’s not anything all that original (or believable for that matter).  The film would’ve been much more engrossing as a whole had it focused only on the delirium associated with prolonged space flights.  This is a movie about paranoia, and having blood-thirsty, vampire-cannibal things running around is, more often than not, distracting in all the wrong ways.  There’s also the presence of a character named Leland.  This guy plays the role of the grizzled and heartless sage who’s seen it all, but his inclusion in the story is more of a side note than a “main attraction.”  He blatantly spells out what happened about the ship in the final third of the movie, and this feels like a cop-out.  Wouldn’t it have been better to have allowed the crew to discover this in some other more subtle manner (perhaps gradually, over the entire runtime of the film)?  Yeah, I think so too.  And, quite frankly, the brief explanation of how he knows all of this isn’t nearly as in-depth as it should be (nor does it make a lot of sense).

If you’re a fan of dark science fiction, then the story and setting of Pandorum will be more than enough to satisfy your cerebral longings.  Just don’t be shocked when it succumbs to one or two cliches along the way.

redstar114redstar114redstar114redstarhalfout of 5

–Chris Flowers

Rated R for strong horror violence and language.

Check out a trailer for Pandorum:

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

August 7, 2009

Director: Stephen Sommers

Starring: Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Dennis Quaidgijoeriseofcobra1

Release Date: August 7, 2009

Making movies based on popular toys is a concept that’s been around for a while–and, really, it’s a no-brainer from a capitalist standpoint.  When it comes to the quality of these movies, however, the general rule of thumb is that they’re almost always lackluster to one degree or another.

Lately, though, there have been some respectable flicks generated in the wake of the resurgence of various toylines from the 1980′s.  Having been born in 1982, this is an especially joyous thing for yours truly. 

As an 8 year-old, I absolutely loved the 1990 release Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  However, I have to admit that watching it as a 27 year old is a competely different experience.  Even though it will always have a special place in my heart, the movie takes itself way too seriously, and, at times, is unintentionaly laughable.  The 2007 animated reboot (titled TMNT) is a different story altogether.  It’s got some familiar elements of the earlier films in terms of trying to add some characterization to six-foot tall turtles who know karate, but, on the whole, the movie seemed to be aware of the fact that it’s designed for kids and that the overall product should be something akin to a fun, relatively mindless amusement park ride.

Tonight has seen yet another motion picture incarnation of one of the great toy lines of my generation–G.I. Joe.  After glimpsing the trailers for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, I expected the worst.  Well, guess what.  It’s a movie that will pleasantly surprise you with its copious amounts of camp and pure, unadulterated fun.

The plot involves nanotechnology, ninjas, and international terrorism; a recipe with ingredients that shouldn’t be taken seriously.  Thankfully, the cast and crew who created G.I. Joe seemed to know how ridiculous the whole thing is and appropriately decided to focus their energy on making a mindless action flick that includes actors/actresses who actually have fun with their roles, jumping into them with a delightful degree of hamminess. 

And hamminess there is, from the dialogue to the action and everything in between.  I laughed throughout the entire runtime of G.I. Joe, and, to my amazement, was genuinely thrilled by many of the action sequences (despite their intentionally hokey nature).  The best of these scenes features our heroes, Duke and Ripcord (played respectively by Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayans), racing through the streets of Paris in modified combat suits that accelerate all of their movements.  Cars are launched into the air, missles are dodged, and general mayhem ensues as the pair tries to stop the bad guy–exactly what you’d you expect from a movie based on a line of toys that features steely-eyed military men with awesome weapons.  And, as previously mentioned, the humor is non-stop.  Some of it falls a little flat, but this movie is cheesey on purpose, and it uses said cheese to great effect.  The camp is literally lathered on, and it makes the whole thing a carefree hoot.

Unfortunately, the only person who doesn’t seem to be on the same page is Channing Tatum, playing the central character of Duke.  For the bulk of the film he seems to feel that Duke is a person who has an unshakable cool and somewhat muted sense of drama about him.  This is all well and good, but when compared to the sheer ridiculousness of the other characters in G.I. Joe, this is a really odd phenomenon–one that’s not repeated anywhere else in the movie.  Even his love interest sees the need for camp (and unapologetically heaps it on, despite the fact that he continues to deliver each of his lines via the unconvincing and awkward medium of the startlingly inappropriate “grizzled/committed” soldier persona).  The more of Tatum you see on screen, the more you realize what a drag on the overall effect of G.I. Joe he actually is.

But just ignore all that.  You’ll want to see this movie for the explosions, the insanely cheesey humor, and the ever-so-cool battle/fight sequences.  G.I. Joe won’t appeal to everyone, but if you’re looking for a completey mindless night at the movies, this is your ticket.

redstar1redstar1redstar1redstarhalfout of 5

 

–Chris Flowers

Rated PG-13 for strong sequences of action violence and mayhem throughout.